I'll Still Catch You
by Dean Ocean
Summary: Mourning the loss of Sirius, Remus reflects on happier times and promises that a rebellious young man once made. Sometime Post Order of the Phoenix.


**"I'll Still Catch You"**

The entire Black House was silent. Even the painting of Mrs. Black seemed oddly quiet. No one seemed capable of saying anything. Somber faces gathered around the kitchen table and picked at the plates of food Molly Weasely had prepared. Remus could hardly stand to look at the food that steamed and smelled of rich herbs and spices beneath his nose. After a few minutes of staring at the centerpiece on the table, fresh brightly colored flowers that mockingly smelled sweet and innocent, he stood. He didn't say anything as he left the table.

"Profess—" Hermione started, watching wide eyed as the man stood to leave.

Molly's hand quieted her, resting on her arm and a shake from the red headed Mother Weasely silenced the young girl. "Not right now, Deary." She said softly.

Remus abandoned the kitchen and headed down the hall towards the broad staircase that would carry him up to the upper levels of the house.

"Remus." A voice called from behind.

He turned to stare at the owner, surprised to see Severus Snape standing just behind him. The man's black hair was as greasy as ever, but had become unkempt by something recent. His dark eyes were staring wide with sympathy towards Remus.

"I…" Severus started, stopping to take a deep breath and gather himself. "I'm sorry."

Remus blinked, unbelieving at Severus. Severus had never offered an apology before, and to the best of Remus's knowledge that included every one in his life. He blinked again and turned more fully to face the other man, his brows knitted together.

"He deserved better than that." Severus said softly, struggling with the words as if he too felt the weight of the emotion.

Remus was quiet for a long moment. He slowly nodded his head and spoke for the first time since arriving back at the house. "Thank you."

Without another word Remus turned and took the stairs two at a time to the second floor. His steps were hurried as he reached the door that lead into Sirius's room he pushed it open and slid it closed behind him. When he heard the latch click he closed his eyes and squeezed free the tears that had been gathering in them.

To Remus the room smelled of Sirius, everything in the room seemed to hold onto his musky scent. He could barely breathe and he felt his heart sputtering, as if it was trying to stop. He found his legs again and slowly headed towards the bed, which was unmade, the sheets still tangled at the end were two sets of legs had kicked them in the middle of the night. He ran his fingers over the mattress, trying to find some warmth stored still in the sheets, but the bed as cool. He glanced to the night table that was set up on one side, and his eyes found a picture that was achingly familiar. Sirius and James were laughing in it, with their faces pink from the incessant giggling.

Remus reached out and took hold of the picture and drew it closer, both of the black haired boys couldn't have been older than sixteen when the photograph was taken. In Sirius's right ear he could see the glittering silver earring that had been one of many failed attempts at being cool. He smiled softly, touching the soft dark hair in the photograph. He wiped away a tear that fell onto the glass. Remus sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the photograph that laughed back up at him.

"_Are you sure this is a good idea?" Remus asked, for the hundredth time that evening._

The bathrooms had long since been empty, and so it was only the four boys huddled inside of it with a candle, sewing needled a small piece of silver wire. James had the pointed end of the needle in the flame of the candle, his tongue hung out one side of his mouth and his glasses kept threatening to fall _off their precarious perch on the end of his nose. Peter hovered in the background alternating between watching the scene unfold and checking to make sure they would remain alone. Sirius sat calmly with his back to the wall, his hands folded over his lap and his face bearing a smug grin._

"Of course it's not a good idea." Remus answered himself, as James and Sirius had long since stopped. "That's why you two like it."

"It was Sirius's idea." James said in his own defense as he twirled the needle to make sure the flame, except the furthest end that he held onto, covered it all.

"You went along with it." Sirius pointed out, losing his smirk only long enough to say something. It regained full composure on his face directly afterwards.

Remus sat down along side Sirius, watching James with the needled and grimacing at the thought of it going through Sirius's flesh.

"That's because I think you could use another hole in your head." James remarked. He pulled the needled away from the flame to study it, and then proceeded to shove it back into the candle's light. "Almost ready."

"Is it going to hurt?" Remus asked, tearing his eyes away from the morbid fascination of the needle to look at Sirius again.

"Nah." Said Sirius causally.

"How can you be so sure?"

"I don't feel pain."

_Remus doubted that, though he'd witnessed Sirius do things that would support the argument. He fidgeted with his robes, smoothing them out and picking out a few of the lose threads. They were faded and shabby in comparison to the crisp, virtually new set that Sirius wore, and Remus was acutely aware that his scuffed brown loafers did not compare to the shinny black lace ups that Sirius wore. Remus drew his legs up and tucked his shows under his robes._

"What if it gets infected?" He asked.

"That's why we sterilize it with the flame first, Moony." James said, once again bringing the needled away from the flame to examine it.

"It won't get infected, Moony." Sirius said, watching James closely.

"How can you be so sure?" Remus was full of questions.

Sirius turned his head to look at Remus and his cocky smile spread across his face with a wicked twinkle in his eyes. "I'm invincible, that's why."

"Ready?" James asked, inching closer on his knees to Sirius.

"Yep." Sirius said, never once faltering in his grin.

James reached out with one had and pushed back Sirius's black hair, tucking it behind the man's head. He pulled on the ear lobe that was exposed by Sirius's turned head. Sirius kept his eyes on Remus, and Remus stared back with his mouth slightly agape. When James shoved the red-hot needle into Sirius's flesh the boy hissed and reached his hand out. He snagged Remus's hand and held tightly to it, pressing rough palms together with the other boy, fingers inter-lacing. Sirius licked his lips, and took deep forceful breaths, but never tore his eyes away from Remus. Remus despite a perverse desire to see what was being done to Sirius couldn't look away. He couldn't breathe. His heart was some where in his throat and thundered so loud he couldn't hear anything but the way it pounded. He tried to swallow but found it was impossible he only choked. It took him several moments to have the where with all to close his fingers around Sirius's, to hold the boy's hand. When he did he saw Sirius's grin return to his face.

Remus closed his eyes again, and struggled with a sob that was rattling around in his chest. He carefully set the picture back on the nightstand, and put his trembling hands on either side of him. He tried to breathe, taking deep, long breaths that were meant to calm him but each one was shorter and less sure than the last.

"Oh god…" He whispered. His hands ran over his face trying to wipe away everything that was boiling around inside of him. He let out another shaky sigh, as he tangled his fingers in his messy brown hair.

"_Chocolate? You gave him chocolate for his birthday?" James said glancing at Sirius who sat beside him. "He's seventeen, not seven, Sirius."_

Sirius shrugged and flashed a grin at Remus. Remus smiled back at him shyly. Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius and reached down to touch the large chocolate bar that was his gift. It had been wrapped somewhat haphazardly, and the remains of the dozen or so ribbons Sirius used on it were scattered all over the breakfast table intermixed with the last bits of the meal. He was careful with the expensive gold leaf that had been used to wrap it, and the paper around it the proclaimed the bar the world's best.

"He likes chocolate." Sirius said reaching across the table to break off a corner from the freshly opened bar. He stuck the piece in his mouth with a secretive smile for Remus.

James reached over and thwacked him across the back of his head. Sirius yelped in surprise. He reached up and rubbed the spot where James's hand had connected with his skull. "What the hell was that for?"

_"That's Remus's chocolate, quit eating it." James said hotly._

"I don't mind." Remus chimed in. "You can have some too, James." Remus offered the bar out to the other boy, stealing a glance at Sirius. Sirius had a scowl on his face and was still eyeing James as if he had a mind to retaliate.

James shook his head at the offer and shot a sly glance at Sirius. "No thanks, Moony. It's your birthday."

"I'll take some more." Sirius said reaching out to take another piece off the larger bar. He stopped when James smacked him once again. "Owe!"

"You gave it to him, go buy your own." James said snidely.

Remus snickered quietly as he set the chocolate bar back down before him.

Sirius rolled his eyes at James and reached across the table to mess with Remus's hair, further infusing the tussled strands with knots and wild waves. "Come on, Moony. The whole front walks covered in ice, let's go see how many Slytherins we can bowl over." Sirius was out of his seat in a flash and sprinting towards the main door of the castle.

James was up out of his seat shortly after him, adjusting his glasses as he hustled to keep up. He called out to Sirius. "Hey! I've got dibs on Snivelous!"

"Not if I get to him first!" Sirius called over his shoulder just before disappearing out the main doors.

Remus laughed quietly to himself. He meticulously folded the gold foil over the chocolate bar and gingerly tucked it into his pocket.

_"Are you coming, Peter?" Remus asked the toe headed boy who'd been silent sitting next to him the entire morning. Remus was standing and pulling himself out of the bench seating that lined either side of the grand tables in the great hall._

"Wha? Oh, err no. You guys go on ahead, I don't much care for the cold." Peter offered with a stutter.

"Okay. See you later, Peter." Remus said as he hurried to catch up with James and Sirius.

Remus arrived at the front of the castle in time to see Sirius go careening down the iced walk out of control. Remus watched as Sirius got too close to the edge of the walk and caught his foot on a small snow bank and went head first into a fresh patch of snow. Remus's eyes were wide and for a moment he thought Sirius might have been hurt. And sighed a breath of relief when he saw the white washed face pop up seconds later and spit snow from his mouth. Sirius shook the snow from his long black hair as if he were a dog shaking off water after a bath. He stood in time to catch James as he collided with him. Both boys fell down laughing.

The entire front walk had been coated with ice, thick enough it was easy to slide on. There were groups of students using the soles of their shoes as makeshift ice skates and were laughing and playing on the ice. Though none had seemed to adopt Sirius's and James's dare devil approach to the ice. Remus stuck to the snowy banks and hurried down to where James and Sirius were recovering from their collisions, both of them laughing so hard they were struggling to stand.

"You two are going to get yourselves killed." Remus chided as he offered his hand to help James stand. James took it and managed to get to his feet with some amount of dignity. When James turned to offer Sirius help the boy waved his hands off and struggled to his feet on his own, with very little grace involved.

Sirius flipped his long hair away from his face and flashed a lopsided grin at Remus. "Come on, it's fun!" He held out his hand to the brunette.

"It looks dangerous." Remus replied eyeing the thick ice.  
__

Sirius rolled his eyes and came a little closer, so the words could be spread in secret. "You know, for a big bad beastie you sure are a scaredy cat, Moony."

"I'm not scared. I'm just not stupid like you two." Remus wrinkled his brown at Sirius and pointed at both he and James in turn.

"Come on, nothing bad will happen to you. Promise." Sirius held out his hand again to Remus.

"How can you be so sure?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Because I'm invincible." Sirius was grinning again, crocked and perfect on his face. "Come on, Moony, I'll catch you if you fall."

Remus stared at Sirius, met his eyes for a moment and then finally put his hand in his friend's. Sirius took off running, dragging Remus behind him who struggled to keep up. They ran together for several yard, Remus felt his shoes slip and slide as he tried to keep up with Sirius. Eventually Sirius let go of Remus's hand and stopped running. Sirius flew across the ice with his arms in the air and his voice calling out shouts of joy. Behind them Remus heard James hollering at Sirius to go, and go. Remus followed Sirius's lead and stopped running letting his feet act as skates and sliding along the walk way. He couldn't help but laugh at the way it felt to just float along, wishing right by other students.

Sirius managed to stop just short of a collision with Lily Evans, who had a glare and a few choice words for the rowdy boys. Sirius heard Remus calling his name and turned in time to catch him. Both Sirius and Remus went down, Sirius landed on his back and Remus on top of him. Sirius oofed and Remus grunted.

Lily appeared above both of them, her face twisted with a sneer. "What are you boys? Ten?"

"Yes." Sirius replied laughing.

__

Remus didn't say anything he was nose to nose with Sirius and couldn't remember how to make his legs work. His whole body felt as if he'd been charged with electricity. His whole face was beat red.

"See, Moony?" Sirius said around his grin, looking against Remus. Lily had vanished again, after rolling her eyes and making some snide remark that insinuated Sirius was missing some of his brain cells. "I told you I'd catch you."

"Yeah…" Remus said shyly. He could smell the sausage on Sirius's breath from breakfast. He was looking into Sirius's coal black eyes, staring at him, unable to move.

Sirius had lost all expression on his face, and stared back into Remus's deep copper eyes. Time seemed to slow as Remus stared at Sirius's eyes. He found himself breathing in time with the boy beneath him, and that his brain was foggy and his trousers were tight.

"Hey, Remus…" Sirius said softly.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"What would you say if I told you I was—" Sirius was cut off as James hauled Remus up from the ice.

James was laughing and hurriedly recounting his view of the events as he helped Remus dust off bits of snow from his robes. Sirius got to his feet and shook his hair free of any snow. He glanced once more at Remus and offered him a smile before he joined James in loudly boasting about their exploits on the ice. Remus stood on the side of the walk way and watched as James and Sirius raced each other back down the slippery walk, first running and then sliding across an imaginary finish line. Sirius crossed it first, hooted for joy, leapt into the air to celebrate and ended up landing back on his rear when his feet slipped out from under him. 

Remus stood again. He couldn't bare the thought of sitting still any longer. He looked about the room through blurred vision and found the bureau. He'd never looked inside any of the drawers, mindful of invading Sirius's sacred privacy, but now it didn't seem to matter. He remembered vividly the look on Sirius's face as Sirius charged after Bellatrix in the bowels of the Ministry. Remus had watched in horror when Sirius disappeared behind the black veil. He could still see the determination on Sirius's face, the intensity and willingness to chase the Death Eater into anything, and he had. As he thought of it, Remus felt his heart stop beating in his chest.

He pulled open the top drawer to bring himself out of the painful memory. He blinked at the contents. There were pictures, dozens of pictures piled on top of one another, and thrown in no particular order or care amongst letters. The letters all had the same handwriting and were all addressed to the same person: Sirius Black. Remus recognized them as letters he, himself, had sent to Sirius over the course of many years. Some of which dated back to their days in school, passing notes under the teacher's nose. Intermixed with the letters were photographs, and Remus was further surprised to discover he was the main focus of each picture. He didn't even remember some of the photos being taken, or knew how they landed in Sirius's possession.

Remus pulled the drawer from the rest of the stand and over turned it on the floor, dumping all the contents onto the polished hardwood. The letters and pictures scattered out from a larger pile. Remus set the drawer aside and sank down to the ground pulling one letter from the stack. In the back of his mind he knew it would have been better not to, that by re-reading his own words he'd dredge up even more painful memories but he couldn't stop himself. So one by one, Remus went through each letter and each picture.

He was a third of way through the pile when he came across a letter addressed to him. Clinging to the letter, trapped under the string that bound it closed as a picture. Remus plucked the picture free and stared at it. It was the only one of the bunch that did not have Remus in it; instead it was just a grinning Sirius in front of his flying motorcycle. It had been taken the day he'd brought it home to show every one, and Sirius's youthful face still beamed bright and proud in the aged photograph. Remus gently caressed the dark figure with his fingertips.

_Remus stared in awe at the contraption Sirius had brought home. It was a flying motorcycle, and probably a death trap as well. It was shinny and black, new and loud. All things Sirius seemed to find unendingly fascinating._

_  
"You're going to get yourself killed on that thing." Remus said, looking at Sirius._

Sirius was beaming, his chest was puffed out and he strutted around the bike to Remus's side. He rested on elbow casually on Remus's shoulder and leaned against him.

"Nah. I'm invincible remember?" Said Sirius. "Take a ride with me." It wasn't really a request or a command, a simple statement as if Sirius just expected Remus to go along with it.

"Uh, what?" Remus was startled as he felt himself being pushed towards the bike by Sirius's hands. "Sirius, this thing is not safe…"

"Sure it is. Get on." Sirius straddled the back, swinging one leg over it and resting on the seat. He scooted forward a few inches leaving plenty of room for Remus on the back of it.

Remus didn't move. "What if I fall off?"

"I'll catch you." Sirius had the mischievous smile on his face he always wore when sharing some sort of inside joke. "Come on, Moony, it's a flying motorcycle not a dragon."

Remus eyed the contraption suspiciously. "Sirius, when are you going to start acting your age?"

"When I'm old." Sirius said simply with a shrug.

"You used to think twenty-five was old." Remus pointed out.

"Yes, that was before I was twenty-five."

_  
"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be using that same logic when you're fifty?" Remus sighed and slid onto the back of the motorcycle, defeated. When Sirius started the loud engine of the motorbike, Remus added: " That is if you make it to fifty."_

The bike lurched forward unexpectedly and Remus grabbed onto the back of Sirius's clothes to keep from tumbling over the back end of it. "Jesus! Sirius! Give me some warning!"

"Just hang on to me, Remus. You'll be okay, just hang on to me."

Remus carefully peeled open the letter with his name on it. It was newer than the rest the paper used to write it had not aged, and the edges weren't frayed. He unfolded the page and stared at Sirius's sloppy handwriting. It all seemed to lean to one side: lopsided like his grin had been. 

Moony,

Well if you got this, something has happened to me. I left it in my drawer because I figured you'd go looking in them eventually. You were always so curious. Don't worry about me, okay? I'm invincible. Tell Harry everything he wants to know about James and Lily. I never had the strength to tell him enough, you will. You're stronger than me, always have been. And if he asks about me, leave out the times I got in trouble, and the times I got you in trouble. He doesn't need to know about that. These are the kinds of times when bad things happen, and it's better me than you. Don't be afraid, Remus. I'll still catch you.

Padfoot

Remus wrinkled the letter in his hands and pushed the paper against his chest, clutching it as tightly as he could. His hands shook with the effort to hang onto the letter. Tears fell unbidden from his eyes, as if someone had opened the floodgates. He whimpered, struggling to breathe around aching sobs that rose out of his throat, each one more painful and filled with more sorrow than the last.

_**The End.**_


End file.
